Mid-Life Crisis? Identity Crisis? Maturing? All of that? YES!

It's sad when I create a place to share, vent and write as something to pass time during school. When I finished school, I thought the real world would be like television. I wanted Wall Street and wound up at The Office. In makeup, you know your place, what to expect and it's par for the course that you are working to make other people better, not yourself. You show up to gigs at call time and find no one shows up until 2 hours later. You may have an actor with alcohol on their breathe, who won't stop looking at their phone whilst trying to apply primer, or they can't keep their eyes open. You don't complain, you don't "kiss and tell" because, in the industry no one trusts anyone, so if you want jobs, you keep it shut. None of my family went to university. For me, I was doing something that would make my mum and dad proud. The makeup was just a way to pay for school. In all honesty, it was a cover. I did makeup on people at an early age because my father's job sent our family to strange places with people of various ethnic backgrounds, languages and cultural  diversity. The first time I put makeup on someone, I knew it was gold. I was not even thirteen, but since I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, I was obsessed. It wasn't the makeup, I was obsessed with glamour. Actually, I liked the idea of glamour.

She was a really pretty white girl I met in class. I had been ostracized by my peers for being the new girl, the new black girl, the girl from England. Go me! When she befriended me, I felt honoured. Wow, one of the cool crowd is being kind to me. I have nothing to offer her, so I'll just follow her lead. I remember when I put makeup on her and she saw herself. The girl was like Narcissus, she could not stop staring at herself. Her exact words were, "Oh my gosh, what did you do to me?" and she played in her hair, I had also done, and took pride in her normal looks being raised a level. I did the same for another girl, also pretty but had a knack for trouble. She wanted me to come to her house every morning but that was not going to happen.
What I learned was that, as long as you provide something to benefit someone else, you will be relevant. No matter where I lived, even Eastern Europeans, wanted to look good. Little did I know, part of me was becoming so focused on others, and making them happy, I lost my purpose. Fast forward to the "career girl" and it's so scary. I am still struggling with what I have to offer. I never had people seek my opinion about things that mattered, nor was I used to people simply wanting to "hang out" and get to know me as a co-worker. The work world (office politics) is different. People aren't about look at me for my aesthetics, it's about look at the project I spear headed. I think my insecurity is due to feeling like I belong and am good enough with something to offer.  Can I do my job? Hell yes! But it's the socializing that gets me. The small talk where people really want to know you and how you're doing and it's not a catalyst to get something, other than the occasional nosy person.
I haven't forged work based friendships in 10+ years of work. I am not the person fetching things, so this transition is weird. It's  hard for me, and difficult for them. The presence of someone who rarely speaks is kind of off putting.
To be honest, I think my old work was so shallow and superficial compared to what I'm doing now I don't feel secure discussing the S/S 2014 fashion and makeup trends. Sadly, I still enjoy makeup, beauty, style and so on. I guess that's why I could not understand why I didn't want to write my thoughts as it's hard to face  reality when it's not familiar or positive.

xo