The Beauty Thesis : depression

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Core Blimey!

I don't understand people sometimes. The struggle is real. I don't know what to do with this blog. I like beauty, fashion etc. but my life has been about deeper issues later so I've been confused. I'm sort of scared to let go, but I am not into the "beauty culture" as its gotten so shady that it's not fun. It's a business to blog/vlog, so I feel like a twat. I enjoy writing, I really want to write so many stories, but this was just where I could document things I enjoy. I go through products like mad, and I wanted to be able to chart the progress of how my "X" reacted to product "Y" when I moved on. For example, I have forgotten that I bought something, stashed it away, and then repurchased it. I've also tossed out things like most of my As I Am products, but then I'll read reviews and think maybe I got a bad batch, and buy it again, but if I get the same result, then my hair, skin or whatever, doesn't like said product.
Now, the things happening in my life are so intense, that makeup is rare for me to experiment with. If it's not for a job, it's not happening for me. I'm not going out, I don't wear it to work, and I'm tired of putting it on others and talking about it. I guess I'm coasting and need to get in the fast lane.
Now that I peek out and see what's up, it's all about the "show reel" and not keeping it real. I love looking at things on Instagram, but I wonder about people who feel the need to always take their picture. There's a woman who posts several photos of herself a day and people in her comments are fawning over her and admiring her life, but if her life is so great, why is she online and not living it? Same with the videos, no one wants to make videos to help others, it's all about numbers, sponsors, adverts, etc. and it's made people disgusted. The link in the description will be a novel with lists of codes and links to products under the guise of providing a link so you don't have to search for yourself.
It's so bad that if you post a link or mention a product, your guilty until proven innocent of having something sinister in your post. Well, unless you're me because I don't sit with them. I'm not about that life, I'm just musing over here not making a dime, or giving a uh-huh.
What is the point? Keeping up with the current custom would have me broke, depressed and competing with a facade. Trust me, if someone's life seems so great online, then they most likely aren't enjoying themselves offline. I don't blame them, it's an ego boost having people want to be you, but when the clothes, shoes, makeup, hair come off, you will find one vulnerable insecure person because the person the internet loves is not who they are when they're in their own skin.

#xo

Keeping up with who?

by The Beauty Thesis on 1:23 AM

Core Blimey! I don't understand people sometimes. The struggle is real. I don't know what to do with this blog. I like beauty, fashi...

Good day!

RIP Baby Boy

I was flipping through videos about dogs, and one thing lead to another, and I'm in beauty. I maybe watched two videos, but I am sat here and can't sort my emotions. I am one of the biggest girly girls. I love all things pink, sexy, feminine, the whole lot. Makeup isn't a necessity, it's therapeutic and exercise.
Why then am I repulsed by things that I have enjoyed since .... birth? I guess when you look at something from another perspective. For example, it's been a bit since my dog died. It is so lonesome and feels wrong to be here without him. I am considering another; however, I want a rescue/rehome. I'm uneducated about how to select one and want to learn how to train a dog who may have been abused or is/was malnourished, and I end up in a video about dog clothing someone bought for their pet. I disgusted myself. Granted, I've not been around people to scream "Oh em gee guise wook at my pwetty doggie" and that was never me. I'm not cute so that doesn't work for me. I listened and the whole thing was about purchases for other people, how much money they spent, the parties they were going to and their plus one and it brought me down.
I see people who sleep on cardboard, next to a sewage drain because the steam keeps them warm. I have seen dogs that were "soooo cute" at one time, and now they are on a lead in a square cement space looking frightened. I know I am blessed beyond what I deserve; however, I'm not wealthy, I don't have a "platform" and no online presence.
I have to get over myself to help someone else. I cannot let my shyness, and insecurity around people prevent me from taking steps. I need to make a difference. I need to find away to let others who share the earth with me know that they matter.
What should I do?

xo

Genre of Entitlement?

by The Beauty Thesis on 3:23 PM

Good day! RIP Baby Boy I was flipping through videos about dogs, and one thing lead to another, and I'm in beauty. I maybe watched ...

The past two weeks have been all sorts of bad. I have, literally, wondered, "What's it all for?" The light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and there was nothing I could do. I didn't want to do anything. I seriously applied for no less than ten jobs in several countries. I could not get my aim right, if I stood in front of a dart board with the dart in my hand. Sports? My teams lost. Romance? *laughs hysterically* Over it. Job? Covered that. I didn't even return calls to do bridal work and that's the easiest, most boring money. I have not twittered, I'd see friends on Facebook and log off so I didn't have to interact. I have never been so desperate and full of despair. I think it was a combination of things, but I knew, it was coming. Usually there is a certain week in the month where I know I will endure an "uncomfortable" (shitty) emotion. Nothing is right, but nothing is really wrong. I hope no one ever feels this way. I did everything. I called a therapist. She can see me next month around the 12th. I started exercising, only to stare at my flaws whilst breathing in and out. I logged onto a dating site and immediately canceled. Have you seen what's out there? I'm glad I didn't succumb in that many aren't looking for a date they are looking for straight up sex.

How did I shake it? I hope this can help someone. I know what didn't work. Don't watch YouTube beauty tutorials. That is the fastest most accurate way to feel left out (see above photo). Don't rent any romantic comedy. In the end, the girl gets the guy. Do you really need that when you're down and feeling empty? Don't Tweet unless it's to those people you are SURE are going to reply. I honestly gave so many shout outs and heard more crickets than I would if I were in Texas heat at dusk. Don't read a romance novel. Do you really want all the intricacies of how a simple girl next door meets a wealthy billionaire to have kids and travel? It doesn't happen that way, but it's good when your not "in that place."

What the F*CK did you do?

I cried a lot. I really did. I felt sorry for myself, and took everything personal in the world. Then...I made a list of all the things I was sad, anxious, afraid, etc. of and then took a nap.

I made a plan for each thing I wanted to change and had the ability to change. Don't try to change people.

I called my father to talk about my mother's illness and ask how he copes.

I treated myself to Starbucks, and didn't feel guilty for it. Sat outside and people watched.

I took a walk with my dog. Fresh air and something that thinks everything simple is exciting.

Listened to music online from another country. I love ♥ that France doesn't edit the bad words, and that in Russia there are so many different types of House music.

I made friend requests on Facebook to people who have common interests as me as well as celebrities. Will I really, be their friend ~~fuck yeah~~ of course not, it's probably fake, but it made me ☺ when they accepted.

I did absolutely nothing and watched cheesy shows like Jersey Shore and every cities Housewives.

Remember, feelings aren't facts and they aren't permanent. Every so often, we need to have some down time in order to assess where we are and where we want to go. The worst thing to do is to suppress the emotions, they will only surface in another form. It's okay to feel bad. In spite of all the positive psycho pop out there, people are human and we have feelings, and like a liver filters the body, our mind will filter our soul.

If need be, write to me, I love it and I care.

xoxo

Go from F*ck my Life! to Love my Life!

by The Beauty Thesis on 3:41 PM

The past two weeks have been all sorts of bad. I have, literally, wondered, "What's it all for?" The light at the end of th...

Have you ever had one of those days you just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in a month? Where the only call you can make is to 1-800-NOW-WHAT. That was me today. Ctrl+Alt+Dlt = EPIC FAIL!! It started when I got to work, and hasn't ended yet. Thank God for blogs! I am not going to write what went wrong, we all have bad days, and I'm about solutions. I have co-workers who will "fish." Rather than go directly to the source of ~~butt hurt~~ feelings, they go to everyone else and tell the story of how they were "wronged." *shakes fist in the air*

In my experience, 80% of problems were a result of miscommunication. Whether it was direct, indirect, or non verbal, it happens. I loath confrontation, I've taken courses but still don't like it, but it's healthier to say, "Hey, what's going on..." and know you put in an honest effort than to carry a grudge. Holding on to people over time gets heavy and unhealthy. Let them go! So, what to do?

*insert couch, lay down, and let's begin*

Identify the source of the bad feelings? Are you depressed? Argument? Boss on your back?

Write your feelings out. Talking helps, but acknowledge your hurt and put the writing away.
Do something! Take a walk, read a book or gossip mag, rent a comedy, anything to distract you.
Go back to what you wrote and determine if there is anything you can do. You cannot control people, places or things, but you are entitled to defend yourself against mean spiritedness.
Let it go! Imagine how that person feels. Hurt people, hurt people. If their life was so good, they would need to bring you down. I've been on both sides and outgrew being jealous.
Write a list of things that are good in your life, things if they were gone tomorrow you'd miss.
Make a list of your dream life down to the place you live, your appearance, the atmosphere etc.
Plan a way to make your dreams real. Even if you don't try, I guarantee you will not regret not trying years on from now.
Cry, hug someone, play with a child or animal, take photos of things around you.
Indulge! Give in to something decadent. Book a trip, get in the car and drive, order sushi and listen to a foreign radio station and pretend you're in that country.

Just keep in mind: This is not forever. Nothing lasts forever in terms of emotions. Feelings aren't facts, they are fluid and change. Underneath your unhappiness there is a story of pain and it wants out. Talking, writing, and having a trusted person to talk to is good if it's something personal. People are human and don't trust everyone with your personals, they may mean well but...yep, so protect yourself. Prevention is key to keeping a good friend. The last thing you want is to have a row and that "incident" get thrown in your face, that's what family's for.