Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
I always wanted to be the girl at the ball who walks down the staircase in a beautiful gown that brings people to a stand still, mouths wide open, eyes held open in shock and awe. There are some people who dream of their wedding day but that was more fear based anxiety inducing thoughts as opposed to a dream. As a makeup artist, I will confess that there are some brides who make me so green with envy that I stop and think for a minute but it soon vanishes once I pack up and go to my next venue.
lena dunhamIt's interesting to me that Lena Dunham chose to wear this ensemble to a highly watched, televised event. I have photos of the time Bjork wore a swan suit to an award ceremony but I thought it would not be her if she wore an Oscar de la Renta, or high profile designer ensemble to the event.  Back to Lena. What she did was brilliant. Granted, I have never been a fan of her based on the interviews I have observed; however, it seems that she keeps a close eye on things written about her and voices her concerns. If the news channel is correct, her hair colour was thought to be a wig, she addressed it quite well.
I was watching a video on Huffington, and my initial reaction was to ask why this group felt they had the ultimate authority on style? I'm sure if we gave each of them a once over, we could find something *cough weight, hair cough* about them that would qualify them for less than stellar feedback from critics but their job is to report so that we can feel better about ourselves if someone with something we don't have can have flaws.
Ironically, what this does is brings people to the forefront who are usually out shined by Lopez, Aniston, Jolie, etc. Following? Okay, prior to the show the wall of shamed celebrities were not familiar to me other than Lena. The reason she is familiar is due to the Chescalocs issue. I don't have cable but the discuss was on my social media feed.
I saw the women on several covers in the queue at the chemist and listened to a tall older woman with a thick German accent talking to a young woman about the red carpet. She looked in my direction and seemed embarrassed but apologised for her inability to decide which glossy to take. I smiled back and told her I wasn't in a rush. Hell, if it brings her a bit of happiness to chat about dresses, who am I to judge?
When I left it dawned on me that although people were speaking about their supposed "poor choice" in wardrobe, people were talking about them more than they were Beyonce's performance the prior evening. They say there's no such thing as bad press, and I didn't agree with that. Anything that was negative with a person attached to it surely can't be good. I was obviously wrong. Here stood a diverse set of women in the queue talking about people we do not know on a personal level rather than about who won. A week on, and I still don't know who won. But, I did look at some of the people who others took umbrage in their style choice.
Genius! All those attendees who starved, spent extra time getting fit in the gym, hired trainers, chefs, makeup artists, hair stylists, nail technicians, and so on may have gotten a nod for their effort, but I think if one spent zero time in the preliminary stage trying to get in shape, select the perfect designer who presented the right ensemble, with the hair, jewellery, etc. and just threw on a tent, there would be a lot less stress, but they would still get publicity. What's more, when you raise the bar, you set yourself up. When you start from the top, you set your expectation so high that anytime you are less than your best, all you get is criticism.
I call it self preservation or deflection. If I own my flaws and put them out there first, you can't hold the power. If I've acknowledged or am seen as a hot mess, anytime I clean up, I'll be commended as opposed to those, "Oh my she usually looks so smart, what happened?"
I think when we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, we give the impression that our lives are as picture perfect as our well preened appearance.
I'm thick, but today's lesson was proof to me that no matter what we do to impress others, even when it's good and we get it right, there will be those days where we display our human side. The side that is just like everyone else. We can't set a standard that is so unrealistic and expect to remain on that pedestal. I reckon that's why so many people criticise themselves. When we know what we have achieved, we expect to always do so. That's not possible. We age, gain or lose weight and our bodies don't do work at 60 the way it did at 40 or even, 20 which is why we have to give ourselves a break.

xo
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This has got to be the most difficult post I've written.  I cannot count how many times I aimed to log into blogger only to be captivated by fear.  I let fear hold me back from just being me.  So much began to happen and I seriously felt there was no good in the world, no purpose for enjoying the simple things and it was like that of a free fall into a dark abyss.
It began with the dynamics in the beauty blogosphere.  What seemed like a hobby among beauty, style and makeup enthusiasts turned into an ugly nightmare.  Makeup used to be about fun.  Sharing techniques, looks and makeup looks was something I did for fun after high school.  There were so many fun forums, pretty girls, and no money, adverts, nor sponsorships.  No one seemed to dislike others so heavily and if you were like me, a plain Jane, you didn't worry about the level of criticism.  Now, criticism has taken on a level of evil.  We all have flaws and work at them, but I literally got to the point, I did not want to look at a mirror and was saving money to try and fix my flaws.  Only the most beautiful, wealthy and talented were featured.  The days of me watching Panacea81 between classes at uni were long gone and now there were new gurus popping up all over the place, but there was something different about the new batch.  Unlike Lollipop26 who was relate-able, people were wanting you to follow them on Twitter, like them on Facebook, subscribe to their blogs, channels, and enroll in various monthly beauty subscriptions and if you dare ask them anything they didn't like they sent their followers to attack you, your mother, your appearance and then blocked you.  Not knowing what you did wrong other than want to ask a question.  If I hear the word, "jealous" or "hater" again for having a different point of view I will live just fine.
In short, I took the cowards way out.  I let a group of thugs discourage me, but in my defence, I had a mum who was ill, a father in hospital, a programme to finish and I was not wanting to jeopardize those things to the level of scrutiny which may have occurred.  My mum passed recently and, once more, I didn't have the skin to endure the changes in the beauty community.  I live a simple life, and my worst fear is having people expose my home or family to the web world because I like to post beauty articles and photos of fun findings.
I'm blogging in the spirit of my late mother.  I don't care about the mean spirited comments, the threats to me or my safety or the scrutiny of my flaws.  If I don't do what I enjoy because of a few unhappy people all my hard work and efforts to heal are for not.  I'm not 100%, but this is a new start.  I can do all things through Christ and this is just one.  Here's to new starts and overcoming fear.
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So, each year we make plans to spend time with our family and loved ones when we get blindsided. "Thing's aren't working.  It's not you..."
Is cupid stupid or does he have a bad aim? Seriously!  I was researching and according to Facebook stats now is the time most people update their status to reflect a break up.  I have been through a few and whether it's an end of a relationship with a partner, or your best friend, it sucks.  It's hard to put into words the ache, the emptiness and lethargy that one feels.
I was so pathetic, I spent a week laying down looking at the telly box.  I didn't want to see or speak to anyone.  I kept researching how long it would take to go away.  I asked friends and all I got was "time, it takes time." That wasn't what I wanted to hear at all.  It felt condescending.  Especially if it came from someone in a relationship.  Relationships aren't easy but when things are "over" it feels like a part of you dies.  In one sense, it does. The hard part is starting over.  The worst thing you can do do yourself is to compare yourself or take it personal.  Just remember compare leads to despair.  It's very difficult not to compare ourselves to others when there are so many beautiful women in the world, but remember, all that glitters isn't gold.  Just because things look good doesn't mean they're good for you.
It's okay to cry.  Mourn if you have to but don't get stuck.  Your mind will play tricks on you.  Break ups happen and they never get easier, but remember it happens to the best of us.  Shall I give you examples:

Merry Christmas Tony!
Happened to America's Sweetheart

Beautiful but happened to her
 Obviously there are many, many more women who, for whatever reason, were blindsided by a breakup. I could add so many more men (and women) easily.  If you think it has to do with looks, you could not be more wrong.  I don't think anyone really knows why but sometimes people grow apart, sometimes infidelity happens, other times, it's simply happens and we don't know why.  Don't get stuck in the "Why?"  It will make you insane, depressed and there's not one answer.  I remember turning to books, psychics, clergymen, etc. to find out why men are able to change their mind and seemingly so easily.  So, what can I suggest?  Glad you asked.

  1. Make a routine and stick to it!  You may want to sleep. lay on the couch and avoid people, but it won't help you.  Get a schedule and write down everything you need to do and do it.  Including eating, if you are one who overeats, write a food plan and stick to it part of getting healthy is being happy.
  2. Reinvent yourself!  Look through some magazines and find a hairstyle or get a facial, makeover or a manicure and pedicure.  Try something new with your clothing, add accessories, have fun.
  3. Get a hobby!  It's good to journal and deal with your feelings, but what about volunteering, meetup, take a class, try yoga.
  4. Make new friends!  Of course you shouldn't have to find new friends, but do you really want to hear about what's going on with your ex?  It will prevent some awkwardness for both of you.  The friends you and your ex spent so much time with will appreciate the space as they too get past the initial shock. Plus, when they see you, imagine what they'll tell the ex factor?
  5. Take a trip!  It can be as simple as a road trip, lunch, and a camera or a flight to someplace you've always wanted to see. 
Of course none of this will make the pain go away, but breakups are something we all deal with, and I feel many people don't address it without bashing the ex factor.  Sure, you want to sock him/her or call and curse them about, but don't give them that much credit.  The best revenge is to live your life happy, even if it's without them.  You're strong, you can get through this, and they made room for the person you were meant to be with.

Sadly, the truth is, it takes time.  I hated hearing it, but looking back, one day the pain was less, then the ache was less intense, and before you know it, you feel the loss, but the pain is gone and you start to get back on your feet.  I know this doesn't fix anything, but give yourself a break.

xoxo
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Sexiest Woman 2010 Minka Kelly
I wish I had a coin for each time a male told me, "You look better without all that makeup on." *ding* Lie! STFU! I really hate this lie.  I can handle the "No you are prettier than..." or "You look fine, let's go!" but the makeup bit? LIARS!!
I don't fault them as they have convinced themselves they really, prefer women without makeup. 
So, I wanted to do some investigative work.  I looked at some of the names I cannot get away from in the past week.  They usually find themselves on the glossies at the market, have an album dropping or some sort of buzz in the media.  In addition, men love them (women too) or they wouldn't be in the headlines.  For example, Chris Cuomo reported when the media reports "real" news, their ratings plummet but when it's celebrities, royalty and so on, their ratings sky rocket.  Why?  Because as long as people are talking about them, they will be in our face and I don't mind, it's life, they all have their day, and then the next best thing comes along.  That's media and we minions get bored ..... I looked up the 2010 Sexiest Woman according to Esquire.  Kudos, as she's very natural looking and it was so hard to find a bad photo of her.  There was one of her on the beach but is that fair and impartial? I admire that.  Many of the others weren't as non Victoria Secret-Beyonce-J.Alba.  They're seen as icons!
I found some celebrities and, "Guess what?"  They look like you and I!  They do!  In the photos I post, I went to Google images and found photos by searching for celebrities out and about.  I know it would be easier to search "celebrities without makeup" but that is cruel.  Those are made to look awful, they get the ones where the person is half blinking, or frowning all the worst so, to be fair I found everyday images.  Let's proceed, shall we?
Still pretty, but what do you think? Honestly?
I chose to find one with same hair colouring

Can't you see passing her in the mall?
 I love makeup but not because I am afraid to be seen without it or I think it makes me me.  I like the art of putting it on.  For me, it's so much easier to put makeup on other people.  I can see the whole face, I can manipulate my fingers and see if the left eye's crease is like the right one.  I learned makeup by putting it on others, then I liked the way they gawked at themselves in the mirror.  That's what enabled me to make friends living in different countries.  Imagine being black in Russia? Yeah, you have to have a way of making yourself not threatening because you stand out wherever you go.  Different story for a different day.
What's more, I enjoy playing with makeup to transform myself.  For instance, I would not wear the same makeup for daytime as I would for a evening cocktail party.  I may want to make myself emulate a pinup girl or make my eyes "pop" or appear bigger.
Failed at finding one bad pic of her even at the beach!

Let's get back to the blokes.  What image do you think these men are drooling over when they go on about how "hot" or "fine" and the sexual things they would do to (insert female celeb here). In your dreams!   Speaking of that, what image of "her" are they erm "making love" to themselves with?  Lad rags of course, which have the women in sexual poses, loads of makeup even if they don't there is so much Photoshop that's been done the woman is made to be perfect.  Looking at the photos I researched I find that these "babes" look just like you and me.  They are people under all the press, movies, posters, albums etc.  I dare a man to find these women half as sexy as they do you.  All of them look like everyday people you would see.  Don't get me wrong I see people who I have to do a double take at all the time.  My point is, men don't know what they like.  Behold....

They don't know what the fcuk they want!
They don't like women fat, skinny, smart, etc. heck do they know what they like?  Sure it varies, but ultimately, they just like us.  It may be our hair, scent, smile, laugh or the way they feel when we're with them. Of course they think you look beautiful without makeup.  Men don't understand makeup and most women they don't condone are people like Katie Price, Christina you get the idea.  All women look great fresh faced with their hair up or with that sexy bed head, but don't think for a minute men don't like makeup.  Sure it's a nuisance when it transfers, it's also not fun to have lip gloss all over, regardless of who you kiss, so I get their intent. But trust me when I say, you don't need to chuck your makeup over a man.  Don't change for anyone, but as many people who think we are "brainwashed" into hiding behind makeup, men are "brainwashed" into thinking they like "natural" women.  I found an interesting article here and even though the people look good before getting "shopped" you can clearly see the difference albeit slight, is what separates them from average Jane.
So glad to get that rant off my tiny flat chest.  I'm not hating on pretty people, nor do I think all men are dogs, but it had to be told.  I don't like men who dig in their pants, burp loudly or fart and laugh, but hey I'm not butt hurt
Stay Gorgeous,
xoxo
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Yesterday evening I went to an electronic store to purchase camera stuff.  I'm so tired of lousy photos and using the web to find photos, so if it means shelling out $$$ for stuff and the try, fail, try again I'm having with cameras, great!
There was the most interesting fellow who helped me.  I hate the store, will never go again, and all the employees have a good chance of being wardens at San Quentin.  I digress.  This man was so pale, and had the deepest blue eyes and silver hair.  I had never seen anyone with Albinism who looked like this guy.  The one's I've encountered, have had "distinctive traits" such as their eyes not focusing or may move sporadically.  Often times, it appears they have an issue with eyesight or they find me rude to the eye.  *shrugs*  I told him his hair reminded me of Sting and he smiled and said his name was "Zeke" short for Ezekiel.  He wore a grey suit which really complimented his appearance perfectly.
I noticed people looking at me while speaking with him.  I wasn't flirting, stealing or dressed provocatively, so I got a bit nervous.  When Zeke went to check on the item number, a man approached me and asked if the sales man, Zeke, could see me?  "Why? I'm not black enough," I said with an inquisitive look. "No," the stubby little man laughed.  "I thought that dude was blind," he said and went back to his nosey family.  I found myself so curious I went and researched more on the subject.  I found some interesting pictures:

(ivory and ebony brothers)

(how cool!)

(flipper!)

In no way do I make light of anyone who feels they suffer from this affliction.  I guess my point is, we all have something unique about us.  I call it character.  Many will say it's dangerous to produce children with an Albino as the chance of passing the genetic mutation.  I don't find that an issue, but that could be due to selfishness and ignorance.  Not everyone thinks like me.  But we all have the chance of passing a gene for (insert illness here) to our kids.  My father has a trait for sickle cell and while I don't my brother's daughter (my niece) does.  Does this mean we try to only get involved with people with no genetic abnormalities?  What about Down Syndrome?  Or, the fact when I was young I didn't know what Asperger's let alone Autism Spectrum Disorder was.  We don't get to be perfect, but we should be able to live life to the best of our ability.  Or, like in some countries, do we ostracize people for their abnormalities (physical or mental) and consider them demonic? 
I can choose to consider myself blessed for not having the absent of pigment throughout my body.  Or, they may be a world (oh! slavery!) where having to much pigmentation is a CRIME!  Again, we all have things which make us "different" and may pose challenges, but that gives us no right to look down on another.  Everyone has the right to feel beautiful.  Just ask her.



 
xoxo
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The past two weeks have been all sorts of bad.  I have, literally, wondered, "What's it all for?"  The light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and there was nothing I could do.  I didn't want to do anything.  I seriously applied for no less than ten jobs in several countries.  I could not get my aim right, if I stood in front of a dart board with the dart in my hand.  Sports?  My teams lost.  Romance? *laughs hysterically* Over it. Job? Covered that. I didn't even return calls to do bridal work and that's the easiest, most boring money.  I have not twittered, I'd see friends on Facebook and log off so I didn't have to interact.  I have never been so desperate and full of despair.  I think it was a combination of things, but I knew, it was coming.  Usually there is a certain week in the month where I know I will endure an "uncomfortable" (shitty) emotion.  Nothing is right, but nothing is really wrong.  I hope no one ever feels this way.  I did everything.  I called a therapist.  She can see me next month around the 12th.  I started exercising, only to stare at my flaws whilst breathing in and out.  I logged onto a dating site and immediately canceled.  Have you seen what's out there?  I'm glad I didn't succumb in that many aren't looking for a date they are looking for straight up sex. 
How did I shake it?  I hope this can help someone.  I know what didn't work.  Don't watch YouTube beauty tutorials.  That is the fastest most accurate way to feel left out (see above photo).  Don't rent any romantic comedy.  In the end, the girl gets the guy.  Do you really need that when you're down and feeling empty?  Don't Tweet unless it's to those people you are SURE are going to reply.  I honestly gave so many shout outs and heard more crickets than I would if I were in Texas heat at dusk.  Don't read a romance novel.  Do you really want all the intricacies of how a simple girl next door meets a wealthy billionaire to have kids and travel?  It doesn't happen that way, but it's good when your not "in that place."
What the F*CK did you do?
I cried a lot.  I really did.  I felt sorry for myself, and took everything personal in the world.  Then...I made a list of all the things I was sad, anxious, afraid, etc. of and then took a nap. 
I made a plan for each thing I wanted to change and had the ability to change.  Don't try to change people.
I called my father to talk about my mother's illness and ask how he copes.
I treated myself to Starbucks, and didn't feel guilty for it.  Sat outside and people watched.
I took a walk with my dog.  Fresh air and something that thinks everything simple is exciting.
Listened to music online from another country.  I love ♥ that France doesn't edit the bad words, and that in Russia there are so many different types of House music.
I made friend requests on Facebook to people who have common interests as me as well as celebrities.  Will I really, be their friend fuck yeah of course not, it's probably fake, but it made me ☺ when they accepted.
I did absolutely nothing and watched cheesy shows like Jersey Shore and every cities Housewives.

Remember, feelings aren't facts and they aren't permanent.  Every so often, we need to have some down time in order to assess where we are and where we want to go.  The worst thing to do is to suppress the emotions, they will only surface in another form.  It's okay to feel bad.  In spite of all the positive psycho pop out there, people are human and we have feelings, and like a liver filters the body, our mind will filter our soul.
If need be, write to me, I love it and I care.
xoxo
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Have you ever had one of those days you just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in a month?  Where the only call you can make is to 1-800-NOW-WHAT.  That was me today.  Ctrl+Alt+Dlt = EPIC FAIL!! It started when I got to work, and hasn't ended yet.  Thank God for blogs! I am not going to write what went wrong, we all have bad days, and I'm about solutions.  I have co-workers who will "fish."  Rather than go directly to the source of  butt hurt  feelings, they go to everyone else and tell the story of how they were "wronged."  *shakes fist in the air* 
In my experience, 80% of problems were a result of miscommunication.  Whether it was direct, indirect, or non verbal, it happens.  I loath confrontation, I've taken courses but still don't like it, but it's healthier to say, "Hey, what's going on..." and know you put in an honest effort than to carry a grudge.  Holding on to people over time gets heavy and unhealthy.  Let them go!  So, what to do?
*insert couch, lay down, and let's begin*

Identify the source of the bad feelings?  Are you depressed? Argument? Boss on your back?

  1. Write your feelings out.  Talking helps, but acknowledge your hurt and put the writing away.
  2. Do something!  Take a walk, read a book or gossip mag, rent a comedy, anything to distract you.
  3. Go back to what you wrote and determine if there is anything you can do.  You cannot control people, places or things, but you are entitled to defend yourself against mean spiritedness.
  4. Let it go!  Imagine how that person feels.  Hurt people, hurt people.  If their life was so good, they would need to bring you down.  I've been on both sides and outgrew being jealous. 
  5. Write a list of things that are good in your life, things if they were gone tomorrow you'd miss. 
  6. Make a list of your dream life down to the place you live, your appearance, the atmosphere etc.
  7. Plan a way to make your dreams real.  Even if you don't try, I guarantee you will not regret not trying years on from now.
  8. Cry, hug someone, play with a child or animal, take photos of things around you.
  9. Indulge!  Give in to something decadent.  Book a trip, get in the car and drive, order sushi and listen to a foreign radio station and pretend you're in that country.
Just keep in mind:  This is not forever.  Nothing lasts forever in terms of emotions.  Feelings aren't facts, they are fluid and change.  Underneath your unhappiness there is a story of pain and it wants out.  Talking, writing, and having a trusted person to talk to is good if it's something personal.  People are human and don't trust everyone with your personals, they may mean well but...yep, so protect yourself.  Prevention is key to keeping a good friend.  The last thing you want is to have a row and that "incident" get thrown in your face, that's what family's for.


(If you don't treat/love you who will? Me!)
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Soo...all my little beauty forums are talking about "Jizz Lips."  I honestly didn't know what this term meant.  That said, I got the link to the video where a popular You Tuber and guru posted about "Jizz Lips."  Honestly, I didn't want to watch it for selfish reasons.  I know that it makes view counts go up which equates to more $$$ for the partner.  About the thousandth time I heard, "Whatever, my bills are getting paid while you sit and watch and hate...blah..blah..."  I cannot stand an idiot  individual to think a dissenting opinion is equal to hating on them.  I wish that term would die a painful death, but it is what it is.  So, many people were offended and/or felt they were targeted.  The bitch in me says, if you think it's about you then it probably is.  The part of me who thinks any platform that is used to insult rather than educate is posting.  Just because an arrogant pompous jackass says something doesn't make it true. 
On the other hand, we all have room for improvement.  So, let's think....Jizz Lips is disgusting, and no woman body should be spoken or referred to in such a derogatory term.  Even people who get paid to perform lewd acts don't deserve that.  We don't judge unless we walk in one's shoes here right? Right!   I know I have made enough fashion, beauty, life, etc. faux pas to fill a library.  So, let's say you really like that look but it's a bit extreme.  For instance, Lady GaGa for Mac gives me the "powdered doughnut" look.  The fix?  I need a dark base to balance the extreme harshness of the opaqueness.   How?  I can line my entire lip with a darker liner, fill in my lips and apply that atrocious color on top and keep it moving.
In defense of those who like the look, it's quite editorial and can be pulled off.  I don't think Latoya Luckett gets much criticism

jizz? silver?


"giiiirl *shakes neck*"

I have to say, I loathe when people pull their "ghetto fab" card and attempt to "school" black women.  It's quite insulting to think in order to get a point across to black women you have to be ignorant.  Speak to me the same as you would a non black woman.  Thanks.  We don't all have the "hood" mentality. Really it's beyond old.  We ALL have a professional demeanor and our "relaxed" demeanor.  Regardless of your ethnicity, you speak differently in business than you do with your friends shooting the shit breeze.   Granted, some looks are strictly for editorial and you wouldn't wear them for a corporate engagement. But we know what those looks consist of.  I must give credit to an artist I really admire.  Her name is Eily and she has a YouTube channel, although I haven't been up to speed on if she's, in fact, still on their. 


GORGEOUS not Jizz!


In short, whenever someone says something you either don't like or disagree with, consider the source.  Many times people don't think and just act, which in turn we react which just makes things messy, feelings get butt hurt and no one wins.  I believe most people don't intend to offend, but when they do, it's usually based on something they need to deal with and are projecting it onto others.  Again, I care not what most gurus care about how I choose to look, many of them aren't flawless and have room to grow i.e. a guru speaking about eye makeup but has bad skin, or weight issues, doesn't need me to say, "You may have great skill in (insert technique) but you could lose a few pounds or work on that breakout."  It serves me no purpose other than for them to shut up or notify all their "e-friends" and I get cyber stalked and bullied. 
Believe in yourself, know your worth and remember: Confidence will take any look to another level and at the end of the day, if you love you, you are way ahead of most people!  *blows kiss*



photo credit
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I am not one of those "Big Named Bloggers" but I feel quite guilty for not posting for the few lovely people who do read this blog.  I get nothing from any company, never endorse anything I haven't used and truly like.  So, that said, I am in a huge funk.  I don't know if it's Mercury in retrograde, or just life.  This week has been wretched in so many ways.  I have stated I struggle with having a blog and posting about such superficial things.  But, I needed an outlet that was something I could a) have control over and b) communicate and share with others, and c) journal and account for myself and goals for myself.  I don't spam, ask for plugs, or try to gain anything for myself.  I don't like television, I don't have cable, and I'm a bit off on YouTube.  This is my little space where I don't have to adhere to any terms of service, rules about posting and no cliques. 
I have been sick with the news about Haiti and I cannot seem to shake it.  My way of dealing with negativity is to avoid it, but there is no way to avoid this and I shouldn't.  I admit I didn't know much about Haiti and that is my own fault.  I have been and seen life in third world countries and it doesn't go away.  Mission work is rarely a permanent solution to a serious problem, but it's something.  I always felt my life was good but nothing great. But I have never experienced the level of despair the people of Haiti, and other impoverished countries feel. My boss has been a nightmare to me this week and has made it clear she wants me gone.  I'm gutted, but I feel selfish for feeling so blue when I see the footage of Haiti.  I cannot stand to see anyone in physical, emotional or spiritual pain.  When I see, read, or observe the death toll, the stories and photos of the injured I feel powerless.  What can I do other than to donate?  Nothing.  I cannot offer comfort, a hug, or hold a child who's scared.  Prayer, money and wait until the next crisis somewhere in the world happens.  Fortunatley, my job enables me to be a part of the solution, but it's like putting out fires, you have another one waiting in the wings.  I don't know why things happen like this, and to a country who's historically disadvantaged is sad when here in the states, we are upset when we have to wait for coffee, or can't get our limited edition (fill in the blank).  I am so happy God has blessed me with what very little I have.  I don't deserve it but each day he has mercy on me, and the challenges I endure are nothing.  Sure, I may not be the "dime piece", have the luxury "ride", the best body, or any cyber celebrity, but I am compassionate beyond belief, and I care about others and try to be a better, more improved me each day.  I just needed to post what I've been feeling the past few days and apologize for my lack of consistency.  My mother is in the advanced stage of a terminal illness, my job has turned from a blessing to a nightmare, and I'm alone in the USA when it comes to friends or social outlets.  I'm quite blessed if this is all I have to worry about.  Pray for all those suffering here and a far.  Never feel like you are insignificant.
xoxo
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I think the first time I heard the word "hater" was in the mid to late 90s.  It was later used often in conversations.  I even sang along with 3LW "Haters gone hate, playas gone play, and ballas gonna ball..." Now, it's 2010 and a piece of me screams internally when I hear the word "hater."   Last night, I heard Sean Hannity say he was troubled by all of his haters due to Hannity's disdain toward President Obama.  Well...it's not Hannity v. Obama that disturbs me.  But, when someone like Hannity says the term, it's time to hang it up and move on.  Seriously, since the term went from the urban to the suburban crowd the word has lost the meaning and use altogether.  Let it be known, "When a word gets used by the likes of anyone on the Hills, politics, or anyone who lives in the suburbs, the word is played out."  There I said it.  It's ran its course, and we need to surrender it and let it go. 
Additionally, if you're going to use the word, use it properly.  You can't disagree or give constructive criticism without being called or accused of hatin.  Seriously, let me give an example. 
A:  Halle Berry is ugly (hater)
B:  I don't like the dress Halle Berry is wearing, it's not flattering (NOT hating)
The difference?  Although beauty is subjective, it's really far fetched to say Halle is ugly.  Some may not find her the most attractive or find her plain, but she's alot of things, but not ugly.  In the second example, we have a statement followed by an observation.  That's not hating, it's an opinion.  I see so many examples where people have cried "HATER!" and it's not accurate.  Can we not have opinions without sending people to pasture?
There are so many words that have come and gone, and come back again i.e. sick, sweet, tight, etc.  I heard Tara Reid call something "sick" and it made me feel sick to be honest.  Why?  That's a sign the word has been killed.  If I hear Hillary say I'm hating on her because I think her hairstyle is played out, I am going to call Dr. Kevorkian that same day. 
So, today's lesson?  When you are tempted to say someone's hating on you, just remember, sometimes haters tell the truth, even if they ARE hating.  Check yourself, that dress may make you look fat, your eyeshadow may be too heavy, your hair may need a trim, but it's not that serious.  It's just an observation, we need to be able to call a spade a spade.  *Kanye shrug* Just sayin...


xoxo
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I am so proud of myself this year.  A year ago, my birthday was very depressing.  It was a pivotal birthday and yet none of my friends or family rang.  So, I got dressed up with my dog and decided to take photos of myself and celebrate.  It was the year I decided to start blogging.  I kept that commitment and as I pass this year, I am giving myself a new challenge.  I've thought long and hard about this for nearly three years, but fear held me back.  I think I'm going to give it a go and not worry about what will or will not happen.  That is my gift to myself.  To do something, if only once and if I don't like it, I don't have to do it, but sitting on the sidelines has not gotten me anything but callouses from routing others on.
For my birthday this year, I knew it would be the same as last year, and I was feeling sad about the fact my other is so terminally ill she does not realize I'm even her daughter.  It has caused a rift between my father and me yet allowed me to get closer to the brother I had been estranged from for many years.  I don't blame my family for forgetting about me.  I have kept to myself and been quite isolated and don't work at having a strong relationship with them.  Too many bad times, and I'm not ready to let go and I still fear their response.  Anger, violence, and addictions have been far too rampant.  Sure I get sad when I hear about all these people who are close to their family, or during the holidays when people visit their family I feel left out being alone with my dog, but I have so much to be thankful for but it just doesn't feel that way when one's heart is heavy.
So this year I took myself to two cities for the day.  One was a hit, the other a miss and I don't think I'll go back to that town ever again.  I'm talking about a day in San Francisco and Napa Valley.
San Francisco was amazing!  The weather was warm, the people were kind and the streets and stores were busy.  I finally went to Kryolan and without going into detail, I should not have gotten my hopes up.  The customer service was so horrible, I went to move my car and decided, "I've had enough, nothing I can't buy elsewhere."  The lady was horrible.  Each time I asked a question she replied condescendingly and the first few times I blamed it on a miscommunication but we were both speaking English.  No thanks, see you at the Makeup Show or another event, but as for your store, not anytime soon.
So, I had to go to the MAC Pro store and that was the best time short of the Pier and downtown shopping.  The girls were so kind, so patient and didn't try to sell me on anything.  They offered samples and told me they didn't want me to buy anything I wouldn't be 100% happy with.  I thought I was in the wrong store.
For the purpose of brevity, I'll get to Napa.  I had only one goal for Napa.  The CCO and maybe a winery or two and taking pictures.  Had I planned it, I would have taken a tour and gotten a massage and facial.  Oh well...
Well, Napa is a cool town with an old historic vibe to it.  Highway 29 is the route I was "stuck" on and spent three hours trying to get off of.  I was so tired of driving and sitting in my car on a two lane highway with so many people cruising and sightseeing.  I was stuck in traffic and in the wrong direction.  Which meant, yep, I had to turn around and do it all over again. 
As for the blog, I kept this up for a year and now it's time to work on my next act. 
xoxo

Birthday Wishes!

by on 11:11 AM
I am so proud of myself this year.  A year ago, my birthday was very depressing.  It was a pivotal birthday and yet none of my friends or f...
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I think back about all the things which transpired in the last week and it makes me physically and mentally sick.  I have found out more about my inner strength, ability to forgive and my perseverence through hard times.  A car accident, both parents in hospital, a hacked e-mail account, an imposter posing for "dates" and having to listen to people I don't know accuse me of things I didn't do whilst looking at my face which has two blackened eyes and give me the piss!  I got so down, all the things I enjoy I began to rethink.  I love to blog since I love to write and I can look back and see where I was in my life at certain points.  I am not receiving anything, nor am I competing to be the next best thing, I just have a place to vent, share, discuss, learn and participate in the evolution of me.   I am not perfect, but I am wonderfully flawed and beautifully imperfect and I love that most about myself.  I don't want to be anyone else, but me.  I love trying new things, creating new styles which reflect how I feel and experiencing things which bring me joy, sorrow, and challenge me to think.  A thesis is a compilation of ideas and experiences which support who I am.  I love beauty in all it's forms.  I can be superficial and think something at New York Fashion Week is amazing, but that doesn't mean I can't buy clothes at a consigment store.  I love to experiment with makeup, but I like being able to wear none, touch my face and work on my skin.  It's all a part of learning, growing and maturing.
I don't know much about astrology, but it seems like this past week was one of Mercury being in retrograde.  I can't say for sure, but it's been strange.  I saw a squirrel get hit by a car and I was devastated!  I wanted so badly to turn my car around and help him, but due to the location it was not feasible, and he may have attacked as he was in so much pain.  No one should ever see something like that, but I am quite proactive.  I researched about squirrels and why they run into traffic.  It's suicidal but they do it.  I guess Chester died from internal injuries since I went back and he was gone *sad* but I know this happens a lot.  I am the sensitive type, I can't look at any carcus on the pavement which has been hit and to be honest, I sped up to the guy that hit the squirrel, but he was oblivious. 
The incidents of the week had me see things for what they are and not as I want them to be.  Things which used to control a large part of my energy are less important.  I'm wearing an outfit to work I wore two weeks ago.  That would not have happened, as I love to dress and change my looks often.  I thought it was due to my love of style and creativity, but not wanting to wear clothes more than once and I'm not a celebrity tells me I need to check my ego (easing God out) and think about things that will matter in the long run.  No one cares what I wear, so doing it for me is one thing, but have an ego about it is something I learned.  I am quite humble, but I guess there is more than life after MAC, Christian LaBoutin, Canons, Ikea, shopping, big cities, etc.
xoxo

A week in Review

by on 11:24 AM
I think back about all the things which transpired in the last week and it makes me physically and mentally sick.  I have found out more abo...
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Soo...
If I'm honest, things have not been good for me.  Externally, I'm the happiest person at my job.  I love my job, but there are issues that really are beyond my control and the reason I blog, I don't have social skills.  I am too bloomin insecure to believe in me at times.
Well, this isn't my story, it's Miss "Couture Sister's."  I can count my subs on two hands and all of you who read this blog are so special to me.  Why?  Because you give a damn, even if you don't read this or I'm just another blog on the loads of blogrolls you subscribe to, it means a lot. 
I digress, I was browsing my every growing lists of forums I frequent.  I am addicted to those as well, because I learn about people, culture, life, relationships, and so much more.  Today I was bored and visited Specktra if I'm honest, I haven't been there much.  I think the forum is so different because when I first joined there were people who have since moved on and are taking on other challenges.  They are doing well for themselves, Julia, Tiffany, SonRisa, Marlena, and so many more have huge YouTube followings, others are running their own blogs, forums, etc.  They are twittering from Fashion Week, traveling the world and taking their passion to higher levels. 
I read about Miss Couture Sister's new job at Sephora and was moved.  I won't post her story, but it's amazing how courageous some people are in following their dream and it inspired me to think about how I need to start believing in my dreams and live them rather than chase them.  I have to live and believe in me and I want to thank Couture Sister and Congratulate her on her new job!  You deserve it, and this is just the beginning of an abundance of opportunties to come.  The road to a journey starts at the first step, remember that when you feel discouraged, and I'm hoping you will continue to reach for all your goals and dreams.
Here's to you!
xoxo
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Friends,
I cannot say how happy I am today is Friday! I really thought I would lose my mind, my job or both.
This week I have been working like a Hebrew slave, seriously, I think I have done more in 72 hours than I have in the last 20 years. I don't mind the physical aspect; I wake up, take the dog out, get ready, go to work, go home, take the dog out, unwind, rinse repeat times three. I haven't eaten properly, I'm living off caffeine and little sleep and I look a hot mess. My colleagues think I'm going through a rough patch because I look so bad and I haven't responded to their e-mails, gone for walks during break time and they have offered me lunch and it sits. Whew!
The good in it, I have lost a bit of weight, and that's always a plus. The bad is, what good is weight loss if you look a mess? The reason...my boss is working on the one bit of sanity I have.
Imagine, if you will, having someone reminiscent of Cruela DeVille as a boss. In time you get used to the demands, the callousness, the curt statements, short deadlines, and can begin to read their thoughts about how insignificant, worthless and pathetic a subservient you are.
Just when you have that all sorted, they become friendly. What gives? Why the change? Seriously, I can deal with any personality, people truly are curious to me and studying their behavior is interesting to me. I figure out what motivates them and what p*sses them off and adjust accordingly and all remains good in my world. My co-worker is an example. She is blunt, direct and can be pushy; however, she is driven, focused and would never intentionally hurt someone. She is working to eventually get the position as head of the agency and she's focused. This means, I don't expect small talk, drag my feet with her needs so she can beat deadlines, and keep everything professional and work related. Another co-worker is a bit of a prankster, a tad insecure and needs praise. I let him think he knows more than me, laugh at his silly jokes and listen to him brag about his latest "conquest." Simple.
This week my boss has been extraordinarily mean to me. She has said maybe three sentences to me, and they were to tell me I should know....by now, as ...I should be able to complete projects without her need to oversee, etc.
Today, she decided to play the "mom" role with me. WHAT?! I have been wound up all week ready to my a doll with her name on it and be quite unkind to it, and then she gives me the motherly "talk" about, "I hope you find love, you are such a kind, sweet, girl and as you get older you will...." I agreed and felt like I was supposed to hug her but this is the same woman who looks at my makeup, style and hair and thinks I need to look more "conservative." After all, she only shops at Anne Taylor and for casual attire J. Crew. Okay...works for you, but I like setting my own style and I don't have trousers for work, I like skirts and dresses and it's not as if I am wearing club clothes or revealing anything. I love retro styles and when I checked the calendar it was 2009 and I think we have advanced as a society beyond perennially preppy.
I don't know friends, I feel dead guilty for not liking her, and wishing she would disappear since she said such warm things to me.
My colleague heard the chat and sent an e-mail giving me the piss about it, but I wrote back, "Is she going through her womanly changes?" Then it hit me, she's a Gemini! That's not a bad thing, it lets me know not to take her mood swings personal, she means no harm, she can't help herself. That was a well learned lesson, this evening calls for a spa/manicure/pampering time. I love learning but not at my own expense.
xoxo
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You become the kind of person who can live at peace with others"~peace prophet

I know we can't make people like or accept us, but for some odd reason, I don't like to let people down, and I don't take rejection very well. I knew when I began blogging it was my blog, about me, and for me, but that's not true. I want to share myself with others, my joys, my love of fashion and all things beauty and girly and possibly inspire someone else.

Recently, I posted about a topic that is quite controversial and I knew I may lose one of the nearly dozen of you who are kind enough to follow. To be honest, I didn't think anyone read, since I try not to track or look at the numbers. I would have stopped blogging a long time ago if it were about numbers here. I held a contest where all one had to do was leave a comment and they would get a free gift because I was not feeling eBay but needed to purge my stash. Well, the extra money was sweet so, it's not all bad.

I offended a follower and they decided to unsubscribe. I don't mind that someone unsubs, people have a right to do, say, think etc. how they feel. If I am not one's cup of tea, by all means, there are millions of other blogs out there, if you ask me what one's would suit you best, tell me about you and I can give you several.
So, what is eating me alive is that I offended someone. I don't care to do that, but I believe in tolerance and intolerance of anyone based on sexual preference is not something I can accept regardless of my personal beliefs. I don't have a heaven or hell to put anyone in and I cannot tell anyone how to live their life or who to find happiness with, hell I don't have any right to judge as I have made more mistakes than I care to mention and when I open my mouth a bone falls out so my skeletons are busting at me sides.
I guess I'm disturbed because I believe what I do, but I never intended to hurt anyone of offend them. I merely appreciate the people who put the public service announcement and respect them for having the stones to put it on the web. I apologize for offending anyone and would not intentionally do so, but if you cannot understand my disclaimer and why, then I accept your decision but please know this is not a blog about judgment or discrimination unless it's immoral, illegal or hurtful to others. Have a beautiful day!

xoxo
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