The past two weeks have been all sorts of bad.  I have, literally, wondered, "What's it all for?"  The light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and there was nothing I could do.  I didn't want to do anything.  I seriously applied for no less than ten jobs in several countries.  I could not get my aim right, if I stood in front of a dart board with the dart in my hand.  Sports?  My teams lost.  Romance? *laughs hysterically* Over it. Job? Covered that. I didn't even return calls to do bridal work and that's the easiest, most boring money.  I have not twittered, I'd see friends on Facebook and log off so I didn't have to interact.  I have never been so desperate and full of despair.  I think it was a combination of things, but I knew, it was coming.  Usually there is a certain week in the month where I know I will endure an "uncomfortable" (shitty) emotion.  Nothing is right, but nothing is really wrong.  I hope no one ever feels this way.  I did everything.  I called a therapist.  She can see me next month around the 12th.  I started exercising, only to stare at my flaws whilst breathing in and out.  I logged onto a dating site and immediately canceled.  Have you seen what's out there?  I'm glad I didn't succumb in that many aren't looking for a date they are looking for straight up sex. 

How did I shake it?  I hope this can help someone.  I know what didn't work.  Don't watch YouTube beauty tutorials.  That is the fastest most accurate way to feel left out (see above photo).  Don't rent any romantic comedy.  In the end, the girl gets the guy.  Do you really need that when you're down and feeling empty?  Don't Tweet unless it's to those people you are SURE are going to reply.  I honestly gave so many shout outs and heard more crickets than I would if I were in Texas heat at dusk.  Don't read a romance novel.  Do you really want all the intricacies of how a simple girl next door meets a wealthy billionaire to have kids and travel?  It doesn't happen that way, but it's good when your not "in that place."

I cried a lot.  I really did.  I felt sorry for myself, and took everything personal in the world.  Then...I made a list of all the things I was sad, anxious, afraid, etc. of and then took a nap. 

I made a plan for each thing I wanted to change and had the ability to change.  Don't try to change people.

I called my father to talk about my mother's illness and ask how he copes.

I treated myself to Starbucks, and didn't feel guilty for it.  Sat outside and people watched.

I took a walk with my dog.  Fresh air and something that thinks everything simple is exciting.

Listened to music online from another country.  I love ♥ that France doesn't edit the bad words, and that in Russia there are so many different types of House music.

I made friend requests on Facebook to people who have common interests as me as well as celebrities.  Will I really, be their friend fuck yeah of course not, it's probably fake, but it made me ☺ when they accepted.

I did absolutely nothing and watched cheesy shows like Jersey Shore and every cities Housewives.

Remember, feelings aren't facts and they aren't permanent.  Every so often, we need to have some down time in order to assess where we are and where we want to go.  The worst thing to do is to suppress the emotions, they will only surface in another form.  It's okay to feel bad.  In spite of all the positive psycho pop out there, people are human and we have feelings, and like a liver filters the body, our mind will filter our soul.

If need be, write to me, I love it and I care.

I saw this on my Yahoo page and was feeling ambivalent.  I've grown up knowing that no matter how many, lip, ass, breast implants, the tanning, and the weaves, white will always be the "preferred" race even when it is emulating black.  Sure, we can adopt refugees from Haiti, Africa and other non Eurpean countries, but as long as your phenotype is lilly white, you will get preferential treatment in the media.  It's sad but true.  If a white woman has a fit she's "stressed" but if a black woman does the same, she's ghetto, hood, etc.  Now look at the girls VF has selected for their Hollywood 2010 feature.  The only thing dark is the hair on three of the nine actresses.  No Zoe, no Freida, no color. Black, Asian, Middle Eastern, et al; not one honorable mention.  It looks like a scene from Scarlet O'Hara but at least they had a black maid!  What's more, these ladies aren't even near the talent of Streisand, Lange, Mirren aka the real white Hollywood.  Seriously, I get that I'm just a girl who writes and my opinion doesn't matter, but I AM society!  I am the person who pays for their films, their music, they are marketing to my demographic and it's bad enough many of the adverts don't have foundations which represent women of all colors fair and dark equally, but now in 2010, I'm told that Hollywood is white, thin, rich and it doesn't matter whether you can act or sing because if you are cute we can market you and manufacture your style if necessary.  Shame on Vanity Fair and anyone who tries to tell me, "it's no big deal they have a right to put whoever they want on their magazine."  Well, guess what, I have gone to school, college, watched films, been taught etc, everything white my whole life, and until your world is where you have ALWAYS been a minority, you lose the right to tell me differently.  Especially when I see men who are livin the urban life, but would never wife a sister.  This was not something I planned to write about, but it's my job, my passion to take a stand about things that society says are wrong in an attempt to sell a facade which doesn't exist.  Women come in all sizes, shapes and colors, unlike the ads and commercial (L'Oreal) where we are all light, thin and aesthetically pleasing.