It pains me to see people being counterproductive. For example, there are women natural and relaxed that are feeling bad about their edges. It's all well and good when we joke about having our "edges snatched" but take it from me, when your hairline has density behind your ears, it's quite humbling.
Let me share a few things so others can learn from my trials and tribulations.
  1. Stop laying the edges down. When you Spackle your hair down and brush it so it's intertwined with your skull and then tie a wrap around it so tight your brain is seeping through your ears, you are cutting off circulation. It's very hard for the blood to flow from your heart to your head when it's so constricted. Try getting one of those hand massagers
    for massaging temples!
    you can find them in the skincare aisle or any chemist/drugstore.
  2. Stop with the heavy pomades on your edges. The hair at your nape is softer and breaks easily. Much like the skin on your face, it gets clogged. Be gentle and use a lighter oil. Pumpkin oil is good for hair loss. There's also Castor, Coconut and several other oils. Use what's best for you.
  3. Be aware of the cleansers you use on your face. We aren't born with a perfect circle for a face so it is worth noting that our temples are subjected to the harsh ingredients used to wash our face. This doesn't require a regimen of concealing your hair with a shower cap to wash your makeup off or cleanse your face, just be aware and look for dryness or brittle spots that may be a result.
  4. Be patient! Watching and stressing about your thin hairline will only cause you stress. Watching grass grow would be faster because we get very obsessed and anxious about our hair. Protective hairstyles, hydration, circulation, nutrition, and a few weeks of tlc and your edges will grow. If mine can, so can yours and I was a hot mess. I still have a long way to go, but straight edges and kinky hair? Right.
    I have baby hair and side burns....oy!
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giggle
Don't you just love Instagram? I mean where else can you go to feel like you live in a fishbowl? I used to be very motivated by what I saw. Now, I look at these girls and wonder, "Where the hell are you going looking like that so early?"
I see more thirst from the attractive women that it concerns me. I don't like getting all made up unless it's a special occasion, but I'm talking about girls with their "girls" out, dresses the length of baby tees and spiked heels. I will never purchase Christian Louboutins! When a certain caliper of people are sporting a brand that's when I know it's time for me to keep moving. It's like when Ross and TK Maxx began carrying Marc Jacobs and Yves St. Laurent. It feels ratchet.
After watching a bunch of over caffeinated self entitled beauty gurus on the Internet. It's always fun to see someone complain about not receiving free gifts on time from public relations brands. It's interesting how people can be so selfish during a time of year that we are meant to be celebrating the birth of Christ.
blackout
So, I played around with some indie brand lip lacquers. I would not recommend them, but I will notify the person that there are a few tweaks, but the packaging, and colours are really nice. It's a difficult time to be starting a new makeup company but I do enjoy playing. She didn't send it to me, she wanted me to try it and host a party. I'd love to but I'm out here on my own and haven't made any friends. I was thinking about what I would have started as a small business right now. There are so many things I enjoy but I cannot keep up with all the new palettes, lipsticks, new brands, hair extensions, and boutiques. What would you do if you had an idea for a small business? Beauty? Hair? Clothing? Share with me...


xo
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Good day!
RIP Baby Boy
I was flipping through videos about dogs, and one thing lead to another, and I'm in beauty. I maybe watched two videos, but I am sat here and can't sort my emotions. I am one of the biggest girly girls. I love all things pink, sexy, feminine, the whole lot. Makeup isn't a necessity, it's therapeutic and exercise.
Why then am I repulsed by things that I have enjoyed since .... birth? I guess when you look at something from another perspective. For example, it's been a bit since my dog died. It is so lonesome and feels wrong to be here without him. I am considering another; however, I want a rescue/rehome. I'm uneducated about how to select one and want to learn how to train a dog who may have been abused or is/was malnourished, and I end up in a video about dog clothing someone bought for their pet. I disgusted myself. Granted, I've not been around people to scream "Oh em gee guise wook at my pwetty doggie" and that was never me. I'm not cute so that doesn't work for me. I listened and the whole thing was about purchases for other people, how much money they spent, the parties they were going to and their plus one and it brought me down.
I see people who sleep on cardboard, next to a sewage drain because the steam keeps them warm. I have seen dogs that were "soooo cute" at one time, and now they are on a lead in a square cement space looking frightened. I know I am blessed beyond what I deserve; however, I'm not wealthy, I don't have a "platform" and no online presence.
I have to get over myself to help someone else. I cannot let my shyness, and insecurity around people prevent me from taking steps. I need to make a difference. I need to find away to let others who share the earth with me know that they matter.
What should I do?


          xo
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The last post I wrote was deeply heartfelt. So, why didn't Blogger for Androids publish it? Hmmmm.....?
Whilst everyone is going on about Christmas shopping, I was still sad over my loss. Does anyone relate to holiday blues? Well, it went one of two directions, there were forums with bright red telephone numbers to suicide hotline, or I found information about post holiday blues. I don't reckon it's the blues. I've had deaths, losses, not coming back, can't I f*cking be sad without worrying about my subconscious manifesting negative?
I guess it's my fault. The web has made me lazy, rather than experience the emotions, I might find a blog, or a guru who has some way to take me to a happy place. Sort of an e-bond but not really. I live vicarious through their joys, why not the other? Because that would not make them entertaining.
So, I wrote in my journal, wept, did nothing, sulked, b*tched out someone who tried to have me "Look on the bright side" and I'm full circle.
There's this crap stigma which prevents people from expressing true feelings because people will call them "cray" or "negative" and other terms that say, "Take your buzz kill somewhere else." I wanted to talk to someone but what to say? I had no appetite for several days. I did treat myself to some overpriced ice cream, but it upset my stomach. I am glad that I didn't find something.
Had I found an outlet, it would have been a distraction, thus, interrupting the process of grieving. Lately, I've taken that step out on faith that God will handle the outcome, I just need to do the footwork. Stay in my lane. I thought about fostering dogs, but realised it was equal to children. Instead, I flagged a bunch of people on Craigslist who were trying to rip people off.
What did we learn? Avoiding something is just a way of putting off one of life's lessons. We all have a diving purpose. If we don't complete the lessens God has in his "plan" we will be sure to encounter it again. The last time I lost my job versus the other time I lost my job must have had something different? Find the lesson in the pain, then move on. I've spent years not letting go. We simply prolong our growth and don't see that we are a lot more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. I had/have to deal with a lot of people who think they're better than me due to status and I used to go out of my way to avoid them. I finally broke that cycle, and it didn't feel great, but I'm not dead. Repetition is the mother of skill. I got this



xo

Non-Vlogmas 2014

by on 11:59 PM
The last post I wrote was deeply heartfelt. So, why didn't Blogger for Androids publish it? Hmmmm.....? Whilst everyone is going on abo...
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I'm getting through the dark side....*peeks* I just hope the coast is clear and there isn't something ready to run me over.
I'm using this time to really dig deep into myself. What is it about me that attracts mean spirited people? I am a highly/hyper sensitive person. I'm a magnet for opportunists. It's the same as if I were this beautiful peacock with an inordinate amount of beautiful feathers wondering why people where attacking me. Duh? They want a feather!
I figured there are some steps I need to do and if you are a highly sensitive person, join me!
  • Don't watch the news for awhile, see if your energy increases on the positive as opposed to the negative.
  • Choose your company wisely. If you realize that someone only talks to you to dump their problems, take a stand. I recently told my brother's partner that it was putting me in a bad place to listen to their problems. Him being my brother and having someone speak ill of him didn't feel right and if it doesn't feel right (Olivia Pope) then, it's not healthy. Simply say, "I'd rather not be privy to this, it is a bit of a downer and couples can sort things out better if they talk to each other."
  • Realize the world is, has, and will never be fair. It's good to practice kindness, and treat people as human beings, but injustice will exist in some part of the world no matter what. Take that problem to God in a beautiful gift wrapped box with a pretty bow and LEAVE IT! Your creator has something for you and that is where you're meant to be focused. It's not possible to solve every one of the world's problems, pick an issue get involved, but realize you are contributing to be part of the solution, not to take on the issue.
  • Nurture yourself. If you have to be sad, journal. If you need to vent, therapy. But don't stay in the dark too long, or you'll get comfortable and it's hard to get out.
It's frustrating that sensitivity is seen as stupidity or naivety when it's quite the opposite, most don't catch on to as much as we do. When my boss walks by I can sense her mood, not a good thing, but it can be. It lets me know to stay out of her way and not to own her stuff. She brought her package with her and that means she's chosen to go against the current. Ultimately, we can't control the world and ulcers, tension and frustration aren't good for us. It's not about thicker skin it's about heightened awareness of surroundings. In the animal kingdom, we'd be the survivors!

xo

Finally Friday!

by on 12:00 AM
I'm getting through the dark side....*peeks* I just hope the coast is clear and there isn't something ready to run me over. I'm...
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Today is hitting me hard. I am really wondering if black lives matter? I want to go, but where? Back to Africa? I was told to go there most of my life. Sadly, the minorities are in control there as well. I wonder if people will believe that racism still exists or nah?I feel like crying, but I don't know if it's because I'm feeling defeated or that I feel like black lives don't matter even among ourselves. There are people in power whose words can make a difference, but they are concerned about numbers. Sales of their albums, clothing line, or whatever their "brand" markets to say anything, unless it's something bad about another black *Charles Barkley* person.

I'm sure I will anger many just by saying, "I don't get the Zoella hype!" Why is this woman in a teen body the next J.K. Rowling? Of course, her being white, immature and pulling dumb faces helps. I watched her videos and don't see how she is an icon for anything.
I am biased but I looked at my homepage and the first article was about Eric Garner and then it just hit me. They don't get it. I have been falsely accused of things, guilty before due process many times, and each time the result is the same. #lose But I want to believe in my faith, I want to believe this isn't about race, but...
I sometimes see that I fold under the justice system, I have heard each time I'm fined, "just pay it, if you don't win you're f*cked" but I'm still screwed right? Doing nothing or standing for something, the fault will be on the "system's" side.
I want to see a change, but even Obama hasn't been promising. I know this is temporary, I'll be back to my self, but I don't see how I can think about anyone than the families of these victims and the checks these officers are collecting beyond retirement.
#blacklivesmatter

 xo

Blogmas: Unjust

by on 9:51 PM
Today is hitting me hard. I am really wondering if black lives matter? I want to go, but where? Back to Africa? I was told to go there most...
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What would your tomorrow look like if you only had the things you were thankful for today?
I ask myself that and it never fails to remind me of what I really need(ed). In 2010 lost my job, 2012 my mum, 2014 my dog, and my job....dignity not too far behind. I guess I have to be more specific when praying and meditating because I am manifesting a lot of things that are not what I want. I wanted a companion, and the Meetup group I joined was quite sinister. I don't know if there's something about me or maybe I am hypersensitive but I don't like groups that think it's okay to gossip. It's like a pod of cows sitting about giving people the piss. How is that a social for singles? Maybe that's what people are doing being that it's hard for a pimp.
I decided to add vision board to the list of things to help me get back into me. I never knew how difficult being an adult and making friends would be.
I did have an epiphany though. You know those videos you see online and aside from the ones that are viral, that have a lot of views. It's because of perverts. I was looking at a playlist of a particular vlogger and her highest viewed video was her get unready with me/night time routine. Who needs to know how to wash, brush and go to bed? Well, apparently the tags make h*rny individuals come to fetch a shower scene. I seriously think social media has destroyed my belief in mankind.

Blogmas: Gratitude

by on 9:12 PM
What would your tomorrow look like if you only had the things you were thankful for today? I ask myself that and it never fails to remind m...
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In order to change you have to get out of the routine, even if the routine is finding ways to avoid pain. I avoid everything in life to not have pain. Needles, deadlines, drunk drivers, the list goes on. I neglected to list things like, learning how to... The things I don't list are due to internal fallacious thinking. I have a bad habit of "I won't do anything unless I can do it perfect!" moments which are followed by "I'll try for awhile just to prove to myself..." and that brings me to Blogmas.
I don't really care for this time of year. I'm in a deep valley and it seems that this has been for some time. Almost a decade in fact! I have tried plenty of things, jobs, university credentials, hobbies, crafts, volunteering, making friends and every single one has been an #epicfail.
But, I don't blog for people, I blog because I don't speak well and my writing needs to improve. I was told I needed to write without ceasing for no less than 20 minutes every day. Well, I'm not succeeding at that either so, back on the horse.
I will give the final month of the year the best and most dedicated 20 minutes until 2015.
I will find a theme and that will be what my post will be about....


xo

Blogmas...

by on 11:37 PM
In order to change you have to get out of the routine, even if the routine is finding ways to avoid pain. I avoid everything in life to not ...
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I hate to sound like I don't care, but it's a bit annoying to hear about another YouTube personality or ten, that have broken the trust of their followings. So now that people are anxiously awaiting the next move from #TeamJason, #TeamLaci, and #TeamSam, let's look at the big picture. I bet before I finish this sentence several hundred tweets, a dozen or so videos and multiple, including this one here, posts will be written about the "latest" hot mess some social media star has gotten into.
I don't pick sides, but I damn sure don't condone sexual assault of any kind on any gender.
Rather than talk about what happened as well as some things that may have happened just not been found out, let's discuss what to do about this.
It should not be necessary to educate anyone over age five that you "don't touch" without permission. I guess my mum made it crystal clear when at the stores, if I even reached toward an item, her stare alone was enough. When I was a training coordinator for a legal office, they had mandatory trainings, one of which being sexual harassment. Attorneys don't need to be trained for that? Yes! Because if a woman files a claim, the company wants to eliminate itself from any litigation so they have their arse covered. "We told you, you acted, we're out of this."
I don't know what shocks me more, the level of loyalty people have for their idols or the things they are willing to do to not make them upset. I'm a grown woman, I get the pressure to give in or feel obligated in the "moment" and realise that what occurred didn't feel right. There's nothing worse than feeling unrequited emotions by someone you adore, and posed as someone who felt the same in order to get something and then throw you out like stale Chinese food.
Why isn't this discussed at the executive level? Are their managers, agents, publicists not putting clauses in their contracts? Is Google not afraid of the potential lawsuits which may involve them based on the current allegations?
I know people are concerned about the victims, but is there a committee set forth to help them? Victims advocacy is crucial at a time like this, not only to educate, but prevention and awareness. The victims have a long, scary, and intense journey ahead of them.
They will be getting exams, tested for STIs, giving statements, signing forms, getting direction from lawyers, family, law enforcement, even the perpetrator. What's more, who will be with them in the times that they feel alone, scared and that they are somehow at fault? Who can they look at in a courtroom that will simply nod in affirming they are their for support and that he/she is doing the right thing? What about all the harassment from this person(s) peers or supporters? Who will let them know they aren't alone not only with words but actions?
It's all well and good to offer support during the height of the scandal but when people move on until the next exposure occurs, who is going to continue to offer support?
I hate to say that this won't be the last and that people have learned from this and we can expect better; however, I'm sure someone is getting a direct message right now.
Young people given the spotlight, lots of money and access to things they never dreamed of in a short span is a set up. Many of the people who are huge in social media, are admitted nerds who had no friends or suffer from mental illnesses that compromised their social skills greatly. They go from virtual no one to internet stardom followed by a rabid fandom in rapid succession.
I hope that the promises of support and the call to action will be heard. I offered support to as many creators possible and have heard nothing. Maybe that is because they are busy tending to those who are taking them up on their offer of help during this difficult time.

xo
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Personalities don't take good pictures.
This was my Sunday. I was a right mess. Note to prospective makeup artists: When you are between jobs, pick up a hobby!
So next week I go back to work. I cannot wait. When I got a text today my face was like
 



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I spent Sunday binge watching American Reality Television. I am an avid TOWIE girl; however, I got a chance to watch all the trash television I wanted!
My downfall is not focusing on "reality"  so, of course none of it is scripted. At hour 3 I went from 

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to            


I had fun watching most episodes due to the over the top anecdotes; however, between the two Kim's (Zolciak and Kardashian), I was on an emotional roller coaster. It was funny to see the way some families interact. I come from a very rigid and structured family. We look like we have guns to our heads and if we even flinch "boom" so seeing a family joke and prank each other is foreign. I don't think I joke with anyone. I have dry humour and use a lot of sarcasm, but spanking my mum on the bum, or calling my father by his first name? Nope, that's the fastest way to find myself looking for my teeth. 
I think it all got too much when the Kimye wedding preparation was on. 
Kim is by far one of the most self absorbed, extremely narcissistic personalities; however, how many people can turn a sex tape into an empire? It seemed like God had favourites from my view.
  1. Not one, not two but three weddings the last two being over the top? She wasn't even a virgin but these men, companies, stylists, et al pulled out their best for this woman.
  2. Considering the "tape" how many men would have created a dream wedding and paid homage to his bride to the point of renting stadiums, historic buildings and have a room of people telling stories of how in ♥ your fiance is with you and all the professions and declarations of such for several years. 
  3. Who needs friends, when you have a huge family? Seriously, how does one get bored or lonely when you have access to everything? Not to mention, the people in your circle have the same ability so there's no, "Girl, can we get a hook up or on the guest list, I didn't get my check?" or "Let me see if I can get a sitter..."
  4. Cars, clothes, shoes, money, homes, food, friends=amazing!
  5. You are famous for nothing. No creation of an app, no cure for cancer, no world championship anything, no graduating with a doctorate in neuroscience, not even a book.
Any other day, none of that bothers me. Something about yesterday had me over the top in my feelings. I celebrated by stuffing myself with watermelon and rice cakes. Eff me! I didn't even have ice cream or cronuts, it had to be whilst I had purged my flat from unhealthy foods and beverages. I didn't have any resources, not even for takeaway. 
I would have punched anyone who told me, "Beauty is only skin deep" or "Money can't buy happiness" and "All that glitters isn't gold." Let me say something. The Kims on their worst day, is better off than me emotionally, financially, and physically than me on my best. Kim Zolciak has a man that takes her, her wigs, her two teenagers, and more when I meet people who are constantly telling me all the things I don't need to hear. I know I don't need to wear make-up. Yes, I don't need fake hair because I have a lot of hair, but I like versatility. If I could just "get out of my shell" so easily, I would not being writing in this journal right now.
As much as we don't want to admit it, people like to see how the other half lives. Or, the 1% lives. People like attractive people. We like to look and inspect things that we find pleasing. I admit this, and it took me awhile to accept that things like youth, beauty, health, etc. It's funny how few magazines there are like MORE as opposed to Glamour, InStyle, etc. or the number of videographers who specialise in mature skin or are over 30 and act that way.
I have more thoughts on this, but for now, it's okay to be in that moment, but staying there is unhealthy and that will be an upcoming post!

xo
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