I have been sick with the news about Haiti and I cannot seem to shake it.  My way of dealing with negativity is to avoid it, but there is no way to avoid this and I shouldn't.  I admit I didn't know much about Haiti and that is my own fault.  I have been and seen life in third world countries and it doesn't go away.  Mission work is rarely a permanent solution to a serious problem, but it's something.  I always felt my life was good but nothing great. But I have never experienced the level of despair the people of Haiti, and other impoverished countries feel. My boss has been a nightmare to me this week and has made it clear she wants me gone.  I'm gutted, but I feel selfish for feeling so blue when I see the footage of Haiti.  I cannot stand to see anyone in physical, emotional or spiritual pain.  When I see, read, or observe the death toll, the stories and photos of the injured I feel powerless.  What can I do other than to donate?  Nothing.  I cannot offer comfort, a hug, or hold a child who's scared.  Prayer, money and wait until the next crisis somewhere in the world happens.  Fortunatley, my job enables me to be a part of the solution, but it's like putting out fires, you have another one waiting in the wings.  I don't know why things happen like this, and to a country who's historically disadvantaged is sad when here in the states, we are upset when we have to wait for coffee, or can't get our limited edition (fill in the blank).  I am so happy God has blessed me with what very little I have.  I don't deserve it but each day he has mercy on me, and the challenges I endure are nothing.  Sure, I may not be the "dime piece", have the luxury "ride", the best body, or any cyber celebrity, but I am compassionate beyond belief, and I care about others and try to be a better, more improved me each day.  I just needed to post what I've been feeling the past few days and apologize for my lack of consistency.  My mother is in the advanced stage of a terminal illness, my job has turned from a blessing to a nightmare, and I'm alone in the USA when it comes to friends or social outlets.  I'm quite blessed if this is all I have to worry about.  Pray for all those suffering here and a far.  Never feel like you are insignificant.

xoxo

I think back about all the things which transpired in the last week and it makes me physically and mentally sick.  I have found out more about my inner strength, ability to forgive and my perseverence through hard times.  A car accident, both parents in hospital, a hacked e-mail account, an imposter posing for "dates" and having to listen to people I don't know accuse me of things I didn't do whilst looking at my face which has two blackened eyes and give me the piss!  I got so down, all the things I enjoy I began to rethink.  I love to blog since I love to write and I can look back and see where I was in my life at certain points.  I am not receiving anything, nor am I competing to be the next best thing, I just have a place to vent, share, discuss, learn and participate in the evolution of me.   I am not perfect, but I am wonderfully flawed and beautifully imperfect and I love that most about myself.  I don't want to be anyone else, but me.  I love trying new things, creating new styles which reflect how I feel and experiencing things which bring me joy, sorrow, and challenge me to think.  A thesis is a compilation of ideas and experiences which support who I am.  I love beauty in all it's forms.  I can be superficial and think something at New York Fashion Week is amazing, but that doesn't mean I can't buy clothes at a consigment store.  I love to experiment with makeup, but I like being able to wear none, touch my face and work on my skin.  It's all a part of learning, growing and maturing.

I don't know much about astrology, but it seems like this past week was one of Mercury being in retrograde.  I can't say for sure, but it's been strange.  I saw a squirrel get hit by a car and I was devastated!  I wanted so badly to turn my car around and help him, but due to the location it was not feasible, and he may have attacked as he was in so much pain.  No one should ever see something like that, but I am quite proactive.  I researched about squirrels and why they run into traffic.  It's suicidal but they do it.  I guess Chester died from internal injuries since I went back and he was gone *sad* but I know this happens a lot.  I am the sensitive type, I can't look at any carcus on the pavement which has been hit and to be honest, I sped up to the guy that hit the squirrel, but he was oblivious. 

The incidents of the week had me see things for what they are and not as I want them to be.  Things which used to control a large part of my energy are less important.  I'm wearing an outfit to work I wore two weeks ago.  That would not have happened, as I love to dress and change my looks often.  I thought it was due to my love of style and creativity, but not wanting to wear clothes more than once and I'm not a celebrity tells me I need to check my ego (easing God out) and think about things that will matter in the long run.  No one cares what I wear, so doing it for me is one thing, but have an ego about it is something I learned.  I am quite humble, but I guess there is more than life after MAC, Christian LaBoutin, Canons, Ikea, shopping, big cities, etc.

xoxo