Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Genre of Entitlement?

Good day!
RIP Baby Boy
I was flipping through videos about dogs, and one thing lead to another, and I'm in beauty. I maybe watched two videos, but I am sat here and can't sort my emotions. I am one of the biggest girly girls. I love all things pink, sexy, feminine, the whole lot. Makeup isn't a necessity, it's therapeutic and exercise.
Why then am I repulsed by things that I have enjoyed since .... birth? I guess when you look at something from another perspective. For example, it's been a bit since my dog died. It is so lonesome and feels wrong to be here without him. I am considering another; however, I want a rescue/rehome. I'm uneducated about how to select one and want to learn how to train a dog who may have been abused or is/was malnourished, and I end up in a video about dog clothing someone bought for their pet. I disgusted myself. Granted, I've not been around people to scream "Oh em gee guise wook at my pwetty doggie" and that was never me. I'm not cute so that doesn't work for me. I listened and the whole thing was about purchases for other people, how much money they spent, the parties they were going to and their plus one and it brought me down.
I see people who sleep on cardboard, next to a sewage drain because the steam keeps them warm. I have seen dogs that were "soooo cute" at one time, and now they are on a lead in a square cement space looking frightened. I know I am blessed beyond what I deserve; however, I'm not wealthy, I don't have a "platform" and no online presence.
I have to get over myself to help someone else. I cannot let my shyness, and insecurity around people prevent me from taking steps. I need to make a difference. I need to find away to let others who share the earth with me know that they matter.
What should I do?


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Non-Vlogmas 2014

The last post I wrote was deeply heartfelt. So, why didn't Blogger for Androids publish it? Hmmmm.....?
Whilst everyone is going on about Christmas shopping, I was still sad over my loss. Does anyone relate to holiday blues? Well, it went one of two directions, there were forums with bright red telephone numbers to suicide hotline, or I found information about post holiday blues. I don't reckon it's the blues. I've had deaths, losses, not coming back, can't I f*cking be sad without worrying about my subconscious manifesting negative?
I guess it's my fault. The web has made me lazy, rather than experience the emotions, I might find a blog, or a guru who has some way to take me to a happy place. Sort of an e-bond but not really. I live vicarious through their joys, why not the other? Because that would not make them entertaining.
So, I wrote in my journal, wept, did nothing, sulked, b*tched out someone who tried to have me "Look on the bright side" and I'm full circle.
There's this crap stigma which prevents people from expressing true feelings because people will call them "cray" or "negative" and other terms that say, "Take your buzz kill somewhere else." I wanted to talk to someone but what to say? I had no appetite for several days. I did treat myself to some overpriced ice cream, but it upset my stomach. I am glad that I didn't find something.
Had I found an outlet, it would have been a distraction, thus, interrupting the process of grieving. Lately, I've taken that step out on faith that God will handle the outcome, I just need to do the footwork. Stay in my lane. I thought about fostering dogs, but realised it was equal to children. Instead, I flagged a bunch of people on Craigslist who were trying to rip people off.
What did we learn? Avoiding something is just a way of putting off one of life's lessons. We all have a diving purpose. If we don't complete the lessens God has in his "plan" we will be sure to encounter it again. The last time I lost my job versus the other time I lost my job must have had something different? Find the lesson in the pain, then move on. I've spent years not letting go. We simply prolong our growth and don't see that we are a lot more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. I had/have to deal with a lot of people who think they're better than me due to status and I used to go out of my way to avoid them. I finally broke that cycle, and it didn't feel great, but I'm not dead. Repetition is the mother of skill. I got this


Saturday, December 6, 2014

Finally Friday!

I'm getting through the dark side....*peeks* I just hope the coast is clear and there isn't something ready to run me over.
I'm using this time to really dig deep into myself. What is it about me that attracts mean spirited people? I am a highly/hyper sensitive person. I'm a magnet for opportunists. It's the same as if I were this beautiful peacock with an inordinate amount of beautiful feathers wondering why people where attacking me. Duh? They want a feather!
I figured there are some steps I need to do and if you are a highly sensitive person, join me!
  • Don't watch the news for awhile, see if your energy increases on the positive as opposed to the negative.
  • Choose your company wisely. If you realize that someone only talks to you to dump their problems, take a stand. I recently told my brother's partner that it was putting me in a bad place to listen to their problems. Him being my brother and having someone speak ill of him didn't feel right and if it doesn't feel right (Olivia Pope) then, it's not healthy. Simply say, "I'd rather not be privy to this, it is a bit of a downer and couples can sort things out better if they talk to each other."
  • Realize the world is, has, and will never be fair. It's good to practice kindness, and treat people as human beings, but injustice will exist in some part of the world no matter what. Take that problem to God in a beautiful gift wrapped box with a pretty bow and LEAVE IT! Your creator has something for you and that is where you're meant to be focused. It's not possible to solve every one of the world's problems, pick an issue get involved, but realize you are contributing to be part of the solution, not to take on the issue.
  • Nurture yourself. If you have to be sad, journal. If you need to vent, therapy. But don't stay in the dark too long, or you'll get comfortable and it's hard to get out.
It's frustrating that sensitivity is seen as stupidity or naivety when it's quite the opposite, most don't catch on to as much as we do. When my boss walks by I can sense her mood, not a good thing, but it can be. It lets me know to stay out of her way and not to own her stuff. She brought her package with her and that means she's chosen to go against the current. Ultimately, we can't control the world and ulcers, tension and frustration aren't good for us. It's not about thicker skin it's about heightened awareness of surroundings. In the animal kingdom, we'd be the survivors!