Saturday, March 15, 2014

Social Media for Anti-Socials

It bothers me that society has basically become such that we aren't people, but personas. The real you is not the cyber you at all. We don't put all our information (most of us that is) online. I fear intimacy, but have learnt to start opening up and being "me." I've been a pseudo version of me for a long time.  I always felt if people really knew me they would reject me for being imperfect. I used to thing the Internet was great because I'd have  chats with friends online and we could share, laugh, create groups based on common interests etc. Many of the groups or chat rooms I enjoyed centered around relationships or makeup. It's strange because I remember when things started advancing online. MySpace was losing it's appeal, no more AIM a/s/l, and chat rooms? I really believe I have social anxiety because I stopped having person to person conversations. When I wasn't online, I was reading, studying, working or at university. Now that I'm a "grown up" I am horrified! A co-worker asked me to tea, and I reluctantly accepted. I laughed to him about the fact we didn't make eye contact as we were both fiddling with our phones. I was drooling over some woman on Instagram, he was texting his girlfriend, and we had a nonverbal agreement that it was okay to wrap it up before proceeding to the cafe. I found myself depressed for lack of a better word. I kept recalling the woman I was admiring and could not help but mentally critique myself compared to her. Of course, she must be perfect, she has almost a million people following her and professing their admiration, desire, and "you're my role model," comments. It's all about image~>numbers~>online presence=value. What's more, everyone looks the same. In the beauty community, the brows, clothes, and poses are all the same. To add to that, now there is an element of cosmetic alterations that have young adults looking like they belong on an episode of  "Real Housewives of (your city here)." They can't think that their trout pout looks natural? Do people realise that once you get breast implants, you are putting a foreign matter in your body which must be maintained as long as they are stored in the body? Such a slippery slope to fuss with so early in life. I digress.
So what's an anti social person to do? You have two choices. You either embrace the change and keep up with the Jones' or you accept that you will never be a cyber celeb, and that there will be times that will make you feel inadequate. I see these teens earning more than my local congressman who haven't a talent but along with the income, they have certain perks thrown to them for being a cyber celebrity. Let not your heart be troubled, all good things come to an end and we will be doing a "Where are they now?" a la Chris Crocker in no time. Sure, there may be another form of social media that will saturate and become the FaceBook of the decade, but think of the stress you don't have to endure by trying to keep your numbers up. You don't have to comment, rate, subscribe, edit, vlog, post, etc. anything if you don't want. I still have a land line, even though I can count the people who use it. I am better without social media. I like to sit across from someone and talk without worrying that I need to @ reply, take a pic of my food or drink, and my job isn't to be perfect. In fact, the less people know about me the better. It's okay to like one's own company. Imagine how empty life is for people whose only extension to society is via their electronic device. Think of what it must be like to rely on other people's actions to support your lifestyle. Imagine what it will be like for a vlogger to one day have to apply for a job, interview and work among real people...


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Mid-Life Crisis? Identity Crisis? Maturing? All of that? YES!

It's sad when I create a place to share, vent and write as something to pass time during school. When I finished school, I thought the real world would be like television. I wanted Wall Street and wound up at The Office. In makeup, you know your place, what to expect and it's par for the course that you are working to make other people better, not yourself. You show up to gigs at call time and find no one shows up until 2 hours later. You may have an actor with alcohol on their breathe, who won't stop looking at their phone whilst trying to apply primer, or they can't keep their eyes open. You don't complain, you don't "kiss and tell" because, in the industry no one trusts anyone, so if you want jobs, you keep it shut. None of my family went to university. For me, I was doing something that would make my mum and dad proud. The makeup was just a way to pay for school. In all honesty, it was a cover. I did makeup on people at an early age because my father's job sent our family to strange places with people of various ethnic backgrounds, languages and cultural  diversity. The first time I put makeup on someone, I knew it was gold. I was not even thirteen, but since I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, I was obsessed. It wasn't the makeup, I was obsessed with glamour. Actually, I liked the idea of glamour.
She was a really pretty white girl I met in class. I had been ostracized by my peers for being the new girl, the new black girl, the girl from England. Go me! When she befriended me, I felt honoured. Wow, one of the cool crowd is being kind to me. I have nothing to offer her, so I'll just follow her lead. I remember when I put makeup on her and she saw herself. The girl was like Narcissus, she could not stop staring at herself. Her exact words were, "Oh my gosh, what did you do to me?" and she played in her hair, I had also done, and took pride in her normal looks being raised a level. I did the same for another girl, also pretty but had a knack for trouble. She wanted me to come to her house every morning but that was not going to happen.
What I learned was that, as long as you provide something to benefit someone else, you will be relevant. No matter where I lived, even Eastern Europeans, wanted to look good. Little did I know, part of me was becoming so focused on others, and making them happy, I lost my purpose. Fast forward to the "career girl" and it's so scary. I am still struggling with what I have to offer. I never had people seek my opinion about things that mattered, nor was I used to people simply wanting to "hang out" and get to know me as a co-worker. The work world (office politics) is different. People aren't about look at me for my aesthetics, it's about look at the project I spear headed. I think my insecurity is due to feeling like I belong and am good enough with something to offer.  Can I do my job? Hell yes! But it's the socializing that gets me. The small talk where people really want to know you and how you're doing and it's not a catalyst to get something, other than the occasional nosy person.
I haven't forged work based friendships in 10+ years of work. I am not the person fetching things, so this transition is weird. It's  hard for me, and difficult for them. The presence of someone who rarely speaks is kind of off putting.
To be honest, I think my old work was so shallow and superficial compared to what I'm doing now I don't feel secure discussing the S/S 2014 fashion and makeup trends. Sadly, I still enjoy makeup, beauty, style and so on. I guess that's why I could not understand why I didn't want to write my thoughts as it's hard to face  reality when it's not familiar or positive.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year, Same Me except...

I must say that 2013 was not my worst year. I have a lot to be thankful for. I don't want to set my expectations for 2014 too high, because life happens. We face loss, joy, sorrows, make and lose friends and the whole cycle. It's not something you can choose.
In 2014 I don't think I'll do all the goals I've set for myself, but I will commit to being less critical and more kind to myself. I'll accept that some choices will be good, others will be bad and that makes for a lot of mistakes.
Mistakes aren't a bad thing. We only fear mistakes because it signals failure in our brains. The only way to fail is to not try. It's quite easy to be on the sidelines saying, shoulda, coulda, woulda, but being in the actual game is where the action is. I'm selling myself short by not trying to fail more, because if I don't accept failing I will never try. The first time won't be perfect, and the second may not either, but that would be a lot better than wondering. As cliche as it seems, most people stop trying because of the fear they work up in their heads. What if you do approach that someone you are attracted to? What if you apply for the job you think you don't qualify for? If pride is the only thing holding you back, what's the point of ever taking charge of your own destiny? Thinking that if it doesn't come to you, then it won't happen is a set up for not creating a lot more opportunities good and bad, but ultimate learning experiences. It takes two hands to clap.