Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Self Sabotage!!!

Sometimes mirrors play tricks on me.  I leave the house thinking, "Meh, you're alright."  Then something happens.  Like today, a tall, blonde with long straight hair passes me, and I'm carrying my esteem with me to the train.  I thought this was over.  Seriously, I don't believe in comparing myself to other people.  It's too much energy on something I have no control over.  I will never be them, no surgery, hair/skin/eye color will make me them.  I was done with it and it happened.  
On top of it, a really handsome bloke asked me out for drinks after work.  I made an excuse and didn't offer another time.  I thought, "He's too pretty, his teeth are white and big like piano keys, and his hair is wicked."  This translates to:  I'm not good enough he must just be a player and see if I'll put out.  He's a man, they love sex and they are wired to hunt. 
I hurt two people that way.  I judge him and put him with the likes of a dog just because he does what I do.  Gets up and tries to look his best.  I know "Straight men don't..." Wrong!  Men have the same insecurities we do.  It takes courage and balls nerve to ask a co-worker girl out.  Some of us need to recognize that men are subject to scrutiny like women.  For every dog there's a bitch right?  He can't be a player if there's no one to play with so let's keep it 100 and admit we find fault with men to make ourselves feel better or worse.
I noticed I do it all the time.  I immediately look at guys as friends.  I don't even consider them as options.  I told myself that it was because they were "friends" but aren't friends the step before relationships?  I have let my insecurities extend to those who are kind and undeserving.  Why?  I reckon it's a form of self sabotage.  A wall keeps people away, but it also keeps us locked in. 
So, what am I going to do?  I'm going to be kind and considerate to people more than I have.  It's just spending time together, I wouldn't stress if a friend asked, so why jump to conclusions.  He may not have anything on his mind like that.  Maybe he wants to know how to satisfy his girlfriend.  Or, maybe he's coming out of the closet and wants some advice?  What if he thinks my hair is fake and wants to confront me when no one's around?  See... who really knows what people are thinking.  I don't think society needs to give us subliminal tones that we are inadequate, we do it to ourselves.  So, let's stop comparing apples to oranges and our insides with others' outsides.  Love yourself, or I will until you can!



Ouidad Blog said...

Thanks for sharing this story, it gives a lot of food for thought.

Love yourself, be comfortable and confident with who you are. That's the key.

Is that you in the picture? I love your curls.

Katie for Ouidad

Ladii Aponte said...

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