Sunday, December 14, 2014

Non-Vlogmas 2014

The last post I wrote was deeply heartfelt. So, why didn't Blogger for Androids publish it? Hmmmm.....?
Whilst everyone is going on about Christmas shopping, I was still sad over my loss. Does anyone relate to holiday blues? Well, it went one of two directions, there were forums with bright red telephone numbers to suicide hotline, or I found information about post holiday blues. I don't reckon it's the blues. I've had deaths, losses, not coming back, can't I f*cking be sad without worrying about my subconscious manifesting negative?
I guess it's my fault. The web has made me lazy, rather than experience the emotions, I might find a blog, or a guru who has some way to take me to a happy place. Sort of an e-bond but not really. I live vicarious through their joys, why not the other? Because that would not make them entertaining.
So, I wrote in my journal, wept, did nothing, sulked, b*tched out someone who tried to have me "Look on the bright side" and I'm full circle.
There's this crap stigma which prevents people from expressing true feelings because people will call them "cray" or "negative" and other terms that say, "Take your buzz kill somewhere else." I wanted to talk to someone but what to say? I had no appetite for several days. I did treat myself to some overpriced ice cream, but it upset my stomach. I am glad that I didn't find something.
Had I found an outlet, it would have been a distraction, thus, interrupting the process of grieving. Lately, I've taken that step out on faith that God will handle the outcome, I just need to do the footwork. Stay in my lane. I thought about fostering dogs, but realised it was equal to children. Instead, I flagged a bunch of people on Craigslist who were trying to rip people off.
What did we learn? Avoiding something is just a way of putting off one of life's lessons. We all have a diving purpose. If we don't complete the lessens God has in his "plan" we will be sure to encounter it again. The last time I lost my job versus the other time I lost my job must have had something different? Find the lesson in the pain, then move on. I've spent years not letting go. We simply prolong our growth and don't see that we are a lot more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. I had/have to deal with a lot of people who think they're better than me due to status and I used to go out of my way to avoid them. I finally broke that cycle, and it didn't feel great, but I'm not dead. Repetition is the mother of skill. I got this


No comments :