Friday, January 15, 2010

Powerlessness and Despair

I am not one of those "Big Named Bloggers" but I feel quite guilty for not posting for the few lovely people who do read this blog.  I get nothing from any company, never endorse anything I haven't used and truly like.  So, that said, I am in a huge funk.  I don't know if it's Mercury in retrograde, or just life.  This week has been wretched in so many ways.  I have stated I struggle with having a blog and posting about such superficial things.  But, I needed an outlet that was something I could a) have control over and b) communicate and share with others, and c) journal and account for myself and goals for myself.  I don't spam, ask for plugs, or try to gain anything for myself.  I don't like television, I don't have cable, and I'm a bit off on YouTube.  This is my little space where I don't have to adhere to any terms of service, rules about posting and no cliques. 
I have been sick with the news about Haiti and I cannot seem to shake it.  My way of dealing with negativity is to avoid it, but there is no way to avoid this and I shouldn't.  I admit I didn't know much about Haiti and that is my own fault.  I have been and seen life in third world countries and it doesn't go away.  Mission work is rarely a permanent solution to a serious problem, but it's something.  I always felt my life was good but nothing great. But I have never experienced the level of despair the people of Haiti, and other impoverished countries feel. My boss has been a nightmare to me this week and has made it clear she wants me gone.  I'm gutted, but I feel selfish for feeling so blue when I see the footage of Haiti.  I cannot stand to see anyone in physical, emotional or spiritual pain.  When I see, read, or observe the death toll, the stories and photos of the injured I feel powerless.  What can I do other than to donate?  Nothing.  I cannot offer comfort, a hug, or hold a child who's scared.  Prayer, money and wait until the next crisis somewhere in the world happens.  Fortunatley, my job enables me to be a part of the solution, but it's like putting out fires, you have another one waiting in the wings.  I don't know why things happen like this, and to a country who's historically disadvantaged is sad when here in the states, we are upset when we have to wait for coffee, or can't get our limited edition (fill in the blank).  I am so happy God has blessed me with what very little I have.  I don't deserve it but each day he has mercy on me, and the challenges I endure are nothing.  Sure, I may not be the "dime piece", have the luxury "ride", the best body, or any cyber celebrity, but I am compassionate beyond belief, and I care about others and try to be a better, more improved me each day.  I just needed to post what I've been feeling the past few days and apologize for my lack of consistency.  My mother is in the advanced stage of a terminal illness, my job has turned from a blessing to a nightmare, and I'm alone in the USA when it comes to friends or social outlets.  I'm quite blessed if this is all I have to worry about.  Pray for all those suffering here and a far.  Never feel like you are insignificant.

1 comment :

FaceFab said...

glad I found your blog & soo good to know that I'm not the only one with these thoughts....

Hugs to you & bookmarked!